yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
