Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
