god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
someone threw a dead crab at me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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