Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You were trust falling into bushes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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