Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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