I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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