I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
