I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
