I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
