i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
