Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
