How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
