My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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