I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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