i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
