i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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