i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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