I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
