i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
