i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Randomize
