I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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