My friends, they love my intelligence
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
