She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
