you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize