he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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