you mean i was at the winter classic?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
