and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
