Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
