True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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