He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize