Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
