what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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