Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
