Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
