The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize