apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
