census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
