saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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