Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
