sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Boobs are out for the taking
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
