My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
