if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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