apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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