you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
