When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just threw up on my dentist
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
