ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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