I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
