hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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