im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
