Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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