Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
