You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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