she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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