I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
