My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
