youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize