why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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